i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
