I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Randomize
