My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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