just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Randomize