College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
This gyro tastes like lonliness
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
All the doctor said was why
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
