I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
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