he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize
