Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Randomize
