Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
Randomize
