so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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