What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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