I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
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