Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
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