I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
