just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
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