i know ur right I'm sorry I'm stupid and incompitent look I can't even spell incompetent right! Fuck!
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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