we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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