If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
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