Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Who wears a wallet chain?!
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
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