I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Randomize