My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
