8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
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