I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Randomize
