I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
