Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
S and I had anal without a condom because I'm on my rag but he didn't finish. Should I still take Plan B?
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
organizing the empties. That sober.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Randomize