I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Randomize
