i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
