idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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