So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Randomize
