If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
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