there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
