What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
ashley and jimmy are about to have sex on degrassi.... EVERYONES GETTING LAID BUT ME
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Randomize
