Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
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