My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
if hell is full of stilettos, fake tans, bleached hair, overused make-up, drawn out s's and blatent bitchiness, then i'm in hell right now.
Lol welcome to greek life
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
