Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
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