I'm laying in your front yard are you home
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Randomize
