This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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