I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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