i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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