I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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