Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
