At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
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