Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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