So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
Randomize
