Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
You were trust falling into bushes
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
