69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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