I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Randomize
