i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
organizing the empties. That sober.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
