if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Randomize
