i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
Randomize
