I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
My balls are so social today.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Randomize
