I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Randomize
