He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
just found out that she named her cat after me.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
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