my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
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