Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
